


Dark Days as Black as Night

by TheDoctorAndRiversArmyOfPeppers



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-19
Updated: 2016-02-19
Packaged: 2018-05-19 23:21:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5984065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDoctorAndRiversArmyOfPeppers/pseuds/TheDoctorAndRiversArmyOfPeppers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If there was one thing she could do, it was give him hope.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dark Days as Black as Night

It was the end of the Doctor and River's first week on Darillium. They had a little cottage with a view of the Singing Towers and a little garden and were surprisingly happy.

But something about the Doctor had been worrying River. At the very beginning, she'd tried to not let it bother her much. But he was still avoiding certain questions and sometimes he'd cry silently when he thought she wasn't looking. And when they went to bed, he didn't fall asleep. He'd wait until she was out or he would sneak out to sleep in the TARDIS for an hour. She didn't know what was wrong and she wasn't sure how to ask him. But she knew she had to ask anyway. So she decided to dive straight in.

She found him in the kitchen, glaring at the kettle as if the shear force of his gaze could make the water boil faster. Maybe it could.

She went over to stand next to him and smiled, hoping she didn't look as nervous as she felt.

"Sweetie, what happened to you?"

"A lot of things have happened to me over the millennia. You'll have to be a bit more specific, dear," the Doctor said as he poured the now boiled water into the tea cups.

"I keep asking you things and you go all distant or start crying. And you won't fall asleep with me. Whatever caused that, that's what I'd like to know about."

The Doctor's face fell.

"I don't know if I..." he stopped talking and took in a deep breath.

"In your own time, my love. I won't rush you."

He stared at the work surface for a long second, trying to summon up the courage to tell her about his life since he last saw her. He knew from the first sleeptime on Darillium that he'd have to tell her sooner or later. He'd just hoped it wouldn't be this soon.

"Okay. Okay," he carried the cups of tea to the kitchen table and set them down before taking a seat. "I'll... I'll try."

River sat opposite him and he began his story.

He told her about Trensalore and how he got his new face. He told her what happened to Clara and about Trap Street. He told her what the Time Lords did to him in his confession dial and what happened on Gallifrey. And he told her about the nightmares that followed.

Then she understood. Then they both cried.

 

 

River snuck off to the TARDIS a couple of hours later. She ran her hand over the console and the ship hummed in a way she assumed was meant to be comforting. Because the old girl always knew when her watery one was upset.

"Were there ever any good days?" River asked the timeship. "Because he was so sad when he told me about it all. It can't all have been bad, can it? Was he ever happy?"

The ship bleeped cheerfully, which River took as a yes. She smiled briefly before thinking of another question.

"They weren't in his confession dial, were they? Those good days?"

The TARDISes lights dimmed until River could hardly see. No, not in there. There were never any good days in there.

 

 

The Doctor found River in the TARDIS control room a few minutes later.

"Are you alright?" he asked when he saw her depressed-looking face.

"Are you?" she went over to him and hugged him tightly.

"Better," he smiled into her hair.

 

 

The Doctor allowed himself to fall asleep with River that night. He was worried about it, though. She'd reassured him, telling him that it would be okay. He couldn't help wondering what he'd done to deserve her.

She held him when he awoke from the nightmares and helped him get back to sleep. And then, for the first time since he escaped his confession dial, the nightmares didn't touch him.

 

 

They had been happy on Darillium for nineteen years. They'd spent many centuries traveling in the TARDIS as well, returning to their cottage seconds after they'd left it.

River was in her room, changing into her new, white summer dress and cardigan. She wanted to go for a walk and, despite the constant night, it was quite warm outside.

Once she'd finished changing she went downstairs. The Doctor was just leaving the living room to go into the kitchen so she passed him in the hall.

He stopped when he saw her. He felt his face go white and his nails dig into his palms as he fisted his hands. He must've looked as unwell as he felt because River had her concerned face on.

"Are you alright, sweetie?" River reached for his forehead to take his temperature but he swatted her hand away.

"Fine. Where are you going?" the Doctor asked, distant.

"Out. What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"You were staring at my clothes."

"Well, you look lovely."

"Thank you, sweetie. I won't be long," she knew that that wasn't what he'd been thinking, but she let the subject drop and left the house.

 

 

It took River nearly half an hour to reach the Singing Towers. She was almost there when she noticed the silhouette of a man sitting by the base of the furthest tower. He seemed depressed and a little familiar, so she went over to him.

River recognized the man once she could see him properly. She smiled to herself and stood behind him.

"Hello, sweetie," she said and he turned, disbelief evident on his tear-streaked face.

"River?" the Eleventh Doctor reached out a hand to touch her hair. "But you're not here, are you? You're an echo again, you always are. I didn't think you'd ever haunt me again."

He shuffled over to one side to make space for her.

"Why do you think I'm not here?" she asked, sitting down next to him.

"Because you can't be. And besides, this isn't how it's supposed to work. I should've turned up on your doorstep with a new haircut and a suit."

"I like your hair as it is and that purple coat is smart enough. And as for my doorstep, three quarters of a mile isn't bad for you, my love."

"What?"

"Never mind. When are you?"

"I think it's the end."

 

 

The Twelfth Doctor carried his cup of tea into the study in the cottage, put it on the desk and sat down in the chair. His wife's notes on the Library mainframe and her possible escape plan were in front of him. He should've been reading them, but he didn't have the attention span at the time. He couldn't get the image of her in that dress out of his head.

It was today. The day Bowtie stopped off on Darillium and met his dead wife before picking Clara up and getting trapped on Trensalore. That was now.

The Doctor didn't really know what to think.

He pulled a piece of old, decaying paper out of his pocket. The writing was faded but he could still just make out what it said.

Written on the piece of paper were the words of his wife, spoken during some stolen moments, so very long ago.

 

 

"Why do you think it's the end?" River asked him.

"There's a planet surrounded by battle fleets of alien armies," Eleven began. "The planet is transmitting a message but no-one can translate it."

"No-one? That means it'll take about five seconds, dear."

"No. Even I can't do it. But for some reason, it scares everybody. And they're all just sitting there, not fighting. I don't know how long that's going to last, and Tasha's moved her church over there. I'm going to have to sort it all out but I have this feeling. Like I'm scared too. It feels like, if I go, I'll never come back. I know that sounds a bit silly but you should never ignore your instincts. You would know, though. You always knew. You'd know if I leave there alive."

"Yes, I do."

"Well?"

"Spoilers."

"I thought you'd say that. I just wanted to hear you say it one last time."

River's eyes filled up with tears at his words. His hand cupped her cheek and he smiled sadly as he studied her face.

"You look as beautiful as you always did," he told her, hand dropping back to his side. "How do you do that?"

"Just lucky, my love," she said, voice thick with tears. "If you think this is the end, why did you come here?"

"I came here to... I don't really know. To remember you, I suppose. Or that wonderful night we'll now never have."

"What wonderful night?"

"You see? You don't even know. It will never happen. You kept on asking me to bring you here, but I never did. And it's my fault. I put it off for too long. You're gone now, and I'll never see you alive again. I left it too late. This would've been a night that you would've enjoyed and I robbed you of it just like I did your childhood. I was too selfish. I couldn't lose you, and in trying to prevent it, I took away the one good thing I could've given you. I'm sorry. I was a pathetic husband and you deserved so much better than me. I really am sorry."

"Oh, sweetie. Shut up," River looked at him with tears running down her face. "All of that was nonsense! It's you who deserves so much better than me!"

"Even if that were true, there isn't anyone better than you."

"That's why you're stuck with me. And for the record, there isn't anyone better than you either."

"Oh, but there is."

"No there isn't! Can't you see that?! I have loved every second of my life in this regeneration. That is because of you. You have made me very happy."

"How? How can you be happy? How can you even love me? I've let you down so many times. The last time I saw your data ghost, you said 'if you ever loved me'. IF! You didn't even know. I'm sorry. I didn't even get to tell you when you were alive."

River looked into the Doctor's eyes and the sight tore at her hearts. He wasn't the broken man he would be the next time he came here. But he was worried and sad and burdened. He was without hope. River felt she had to do something so knelt before him and clasped his hands in hers. If there was one thing she could do, it was give him hope.

"You said you think this is the end. I will give you spoilers for once. It's not the end. You are going to spend a long time on that planet, watching generations and generations die in front of you like mayflies. But Clara is clever and the Universe can be kind, so it won't be the end. It won't be the hardest, either. Because later, a time is coming when you're going to be alone for a very, very long time. And you're going to be afraid and in pain. But you will get through it and I'm so very proud of you. I'm telling you this because, when you're there, you'll need to know something. It's the only thing I can do for you. I just need you to know that you are loved and that you will see me again. But not until it's all over. You're going to go through hell. And it brakes my hearts that I can't be there. I would've done it all with you if I could. I would've done it all for you. But I can't and you're not going to see me for a very long time. Life will be hard. And you'll want to give up. You'll want to give in. And when you do, remember that you are loved. Whatever you do and however you do it, you are loved. Don't be afraid, my love. There will be good days. You've got so much left and I still have so many spoilers. I promise, we will get our night on Darillium. And I'm sorry I can't be with you, in your hell. But I promise I will be there after you come out of it."

The Doctor looked at their clasped hands resting on his knee for a few seconds. Tears were rolling down his face as freely as River's tears were rolling down hers. He tried to take in what she'd said but his head was spinning. Yes, life would be hard. When wasn't it? What made him feel upset was the thought of having to do it all without her. Although, the look on her face made him realize that it may be longer and harder than he seemed to think. Whatever lies in store for him, he reasoned, would always have happened. No use fighting it. River would only have told him if there was no avoiding it. Whether she told him or not, it would happen. So he steeled his resolve and put on a smile for her.

"How long have I got to wait, then?" he asked, hoping it wouldn't really be that long at all.

"Until after the next second of eternity has passed," River told him regretfully.

"Very helpful," the Doctor's face fell.

"I've already told you more than I should."

"But what about you?"

"What about me?"

"You'll still end up at the Library. You're there now. There isn't any hope for you."

"There is hope for me. I've never met a prison I couldn't escape from yet."

The Doctor smiled at her. He looked one hundred times better than he did when she arrived and she silently congratulated herself as she returned his smile.

His hands cupped her face again and he kissed her softly on the lips. He pulled away then River moved back to his side and snuggled against him.

The Doctor went silent for a few minutes, long enough for River to start worrying about him. She shifted her head to look at him and he seemed deep in thought, tears still running down his face.

"Stay," he said suddenly. "With me. Please. Just for a bit. I don't want you to go."

"Of course, sweetie."

 

 

A few hours later, River returned to the cottage to find the Twelfth Doctor sitting on the stairs waiting for her. He smiled reassuringly at her but all she could think about was the man he once was, the man she'd just left. With all his heartsbreak and his tears. It had hurt her, to see him like that. The tears in her eyes just grew and grew.

The Doctor wasn't sure what to say or do. River didn't often cry and he could never really understand other people's emotions in this regeneration. But he had to do something so he stood up and held her to him. One of his hands rubbed up and down her back and the other nestled itself into her hair as he kissed the top of her head.

"I thought I recognized the dress," he told her quietly. "I know where you were and who you were with. And I honestly thought you were a data ghost. But, River, listen to me. Because this is important. You made a difference. I remembered every word you said. I wrote them down so I'd never forget. By the time you left, I wasn't scared anymore. And when I was on Trensalore and in my confession dial, I thought back on today. On some days, when I just wanted it all to end, the hope you gave me was the only thing that kept me going. So remember, you made a difference. You didn't make those times better, but you did make them a little bit easier and I'm grateful. It was the best thing you could've done for me."

"Thank you, sweetie," River sniffed.

"No. It is I who should be thanking you, my love. Now, come on. Your tea's getting cold."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. :)
> 
> (P.S, it's my birthday. Just thought I'd mention it in passing as I was here)


End file.
